They went to school but never came back.

I was as usual in a state of bliss. That omnipotent feeling like duh, nothing can possibly go wrong with me. Nothing that life throws at me can stir me I am living happily in the paradise of oblivion I created. People are killed? Oh that's pretty normal. People are killed everyday. That place had a traffic accident? Who cares, driver should be blamed. Not my fault. Not my business. Terrorist are going to attack again? Oh a minute of worry. Than its shrugged off. After all , I am living in a big city. They wont attack here. WHY CARE FOR OTHERS? Why affect our own lives for them, after all I am a cursed observer who wont ever be victimized or so I believed .
Anyway, cold and jinxed as I may be, somewhere deep down I still cared, I still had the capability to feel the pain of others. And that I discovered today, on 16th December 2014 even a person like me couldn't stop her tears. The tragedy that has befallen us cannot be described in words.
Imagine yourself as 15 year old all set for school tomorrow, not really excited for yet another casual ordinary school day. Standing in auditorium , trying to keep yourself awake. Stifling your yawns, rubbing your eyes, trying your best to focus on the instructor giving CPR demonstration. Wondering when will the bell ring and you will be free from this boring demonstration. you have little idea that instead of school bell you will hear something else, something much more ominous, .. call of death.
out of nowhere comes a rainfall of bullets, all you hear is rifle firing. Blood splattering, confusion and fear. your mind is boggled. the seemingly typical dull school is now showing a battle zone, a one sided battle zone more like predator zone. where you are being preyed on, Your instructor yells *lay low* you quickly slide down. Covering your ears with your hands. Shivering and praying to live. you are too frightened to fantasize about dimming future of your fazed dreams. here's the climax, story doesn't end here, the door opens, you looks up wondering if its some savoir, some deliverer , surely, this cant be the end, But standing in front of you is a masked man with a heavy gun who approaches the boy nearest to the door without saying anything like a grim reaper creeping up on you  sneakily ready to condemn you to hell where you rightfully belong. As if to prove you right, he  aims for the trembling boy's head and fires. Sadly ,this is your last memory before dying the same way. your dreams, your aims , your very existence wiped off in the most heart rending manner possible.
This is no story. This is the truth. This is what happened in Peshawar Pakistan. Many children went to school to enjoy an ordinary day on 16th December but they never came back... they were massacred , killed and murdered in the worst manner possible by the hands of terrorists. people say it's an act of sheer cowardice and you couldn't condemn them enough but is this enough? what is our part in all this considering the fact that we are living on the same planet? is crying going to help those kids(R.I.P.)? 
Who is accountable for the massacre? Who is supposed to act as a deliverer? Will we be victimized forever? Is this life? This terror? This forlornness? This helplessness? Is this our future? Are we not allowed to hope? To dream? 

And what about those who survived? Will they ever be able to live a normal life? Should I call them fortunate? Who will answer all this?

the monster who lost the feel

Empty heart, abysmal ignorance, amicable pretence

This is my asylum, my atrocious contempt

Alluring roses, the charisma of nature, the merriment

As in my cadaverous state, it all seems to end in obliteration

Shunned by my human self, I annihilated the kind in me

Now merely a shadow, death itself abdicates me

Ambition, purpose and desire, my forgotten entities

Extinction, despair and dejection, now my only destiny

Lost as I was, no one to look to, left at abattoir

To be punctured and gashed, but I refused to break

I didn't cry, I never smiled, I forgot to die

I turned into a monster as I am now

My wounds still gaunt but abraded

 I was forced to bled but didn't weep

I was stabbed to shreds but didn't feel

I was killed to extinction but didn't die

After all I am a monster who lost the feel

Thank you my Bakas!

11th  October, 2014
To My Ever So Dearest Egoistic Khan, Much Panicked Bunno Rani And Eternal Shopoholic Rapunzel,

How are you? Prof season getting on your nerves? (Duh it's a stupid question), All the same, I hope to find you in the best of health and spirit (LOL) , I am fine as well (as if, I am anime addicted , pretty much of an insomniac these days but that doest matter right now)
I have been thinking of writing a letter to you guys (rofl not really) well actually, the thing is, lately I have been feeling really sentimental and ends up reminiscing the time we four had together, it's kind of weird, we are all standing so near the finishing line now when only yesterday we were sighing and claiming  that this road to our goal is too long and tiring.  ahaha, it gives me jitters to remember what kind of sore loser I were! (not claiming that I am any better now lol)
Anyway, saying in the simplest words possible, this letter is written with the sole purpose of  thanking you guys for everything! going back four years, I were sort of a girl with a small world that revolved around me, myself and I. all I could possibly imagine was to get good grades, I was a bore who never knew how to stop the strenuous exercise of studying, how to look around and enjoy life, never thought I could , BUT you guys changed me, you showed me what it's like to bunk a class, what's it like to laugh out loud in a crowd without caring about anyone, what's it like to play a prank, what's it like to enjoy your life , what's it like to take a break and enjoy the nice weather, what's it like to party out loud. it was my very first time breaking a rule, and I loved it, it was my very first time making true friends, I guess before that I was always surrounded by people, listening, smiling and nodding never expressing or sharing my own point of view.I learned how to be honest with myself and with others after encountering you guys , my world was changed, you broadened it,  I always thought love and friendship are nothing but a burden and sort of a distraction from your main aim but than you guys came, lol In short you showed me this vast world of colours and emotions and love and drama! I cant believe it, this era of student life will be coming to an end soon, like come onnnn! we were just scared-out-of-our-wits-first-year-students just yesterday.  urgh, there is so much that I have to say, and all my feelings are coming out but the sad part is I am not able to turn it into beautiful piece of literature as I planned, I guess my words are like stars that can't become constellations (stolen from Augustus, sawwry!)
Okay, here I go! A shout right from my heart!  THANK YOU MY LOVELY BAKAS, MY EGOISTIC KHAN, PANICKED BUNNO RANNI AND SHOPOHOLIC RAPUNZEL, I LOVE YOU MINNA SAN!!!!!!
honestly, like i am teary eyed while writing this and a little frustrated because my expression of love is not as florid as I wanted it to be but it is dead honest!, I love you guys, you are the sort of friends that I thought I could only dream of but would never in this lifetime meet. Because of you guys, I am a more confident person who knows how to enjoy life, cherish friends and family, express honestly and laugh out loud without any restrain, and above all, to a certain extent I would say, you guys taught me how to acknowledge myself for that I am ever so obliged.
teary eyed curly haired baka signing off
Gambatte! proff is a piece of cake! (In Shaa Allah!!)
ps, lets enjoy every second of the upcoming last year like there's no tomorrow!
and finally Sayonara!

For the sake of love

Ironic as it may be  but every single person no matter how humble he seems is a sinner. We all know that but we all, also forget to include ourselves in that group when perhaps we are the ones to be most accounted for. Another amazing fact about us, humans, is that we all, sinned for the sake of love. I know that people can lie for love . I know that we have back stabbed and hurt the very person whose love we wanted most at some point of our lives. We are more like animals. Its the basic instinct i should talk about.That aside the point being humans, we want to feel needed.wants to be patted on the head. To be told *good job* *well done * you worked hard* at the end of the day.  wants someone to smile only for us. To tell us *its going to be alright.We want LOVE . Yearning to be loved by someone, by anyone , just to be understood, to be praised, to be loved , that sort of kindness , that love is what we are looking for . When we fail to find any - loneliness. It takes over.turns into misery. And than comes the jealousy and frustration and all those complexes that we were so desperately trying to overcome. and last but not least of all at this point the pain becomes too unbearable to bear, result we lose it, our very soul, we lose it all and become a sinner. Just like that.

Its All Okay!

Its ok if you walked on the wrong path, its ok if you were shameless in your life, its ok if you betrayed your loved ones. Its all ok if you realize what you did. All that matters is the thought that you cared enough to repent your doings. All that matters is that you are ready to be honest again. All that matters is that you are ready to give all it takes to make up to those you hurt, to make up to those you love.

Mr. brain dead , time to get creative!

Its a sad truth that many of us who claim to be a possessor of an intelligent mind have ceased to *THINK* . They believe any story, any riddle , any thing told to them without questioning it, without testing it. They have lost their ability to choose between right and wrong. You ask why? The reason is very simple. They dont possess  the art of imagination . No creativity. let me clarify this first, Creativity doesnt mean painting a landscape or writing a prose . It means the freedom to make your own decisions . It means the freedom to choose the right path for yourself. It means finding a solution which is unique and out of the box for any problem . And you are brain dead if you believe any story you read thinking it is sheer truth without verifying it. You are a puppet if you obey every order without questioning its credibility .you do not deserve to be called a human if you choose to live this way. You were born for a purpose. You have a destiny to achieve . Do not waste yourself like this. Think , think about your own decisions , your own choices , do what you think is right, judge yourself the same way you judge others. Live your life . Write your own story. Make it more exciting by brushing in a little creativity to make it worth living. If you are a doctor than do not satisfy yourself thinking that the availabe treatment is the best , you need to believe that there are far better remedies available out there waiting for you to discover them. If you are an engineer than know that technology knows no bounds. If you are an artist that create a masterpiece more grand than picasso did . If you are a writer than believe in yourself to know that you can change the people's way of life , you can move them to tears just by writing your own thing. In this way continue to shine , find your place and DO NOT FORGET TO BE creative, innovative and original.

lets stop being ugly

it's funny how almost every single one of us is hurting. its like our souls are injured, they have lost the righteous virtue, now what is left is nothing but the corrupted spirit. it gets funnier if we imply the fact instead   of purifying ourselves, or searching for inner peace we emphasize on tearing apart other people, we believe that their sorrow is suffice to treat our suffering , its good to know that someone is in greater pain than us.. else doesn't really matter, you must be raising your brows by now, thinking that for sure i am talking about some ugly human category whose minority exists in every society but hey werent you the one judging that other girl yesterday because she was wearing lots of make up. werent you the one passing your commentas on a passing by couple? werent you the one brooding the negativity of hatred and envy for someone better than you.? and  it is also possible that you might be a saint and would avoid all vile situations and negative feelings, but there are many not so saintly humans out there like me, who cant help being mean. so, here's a thing, i know gossip, judging and negativity can be so fun but dude it just shows how very insecure we all are. Hurting others and gossiping, it kind of shows how we are suffering from inner peace deficiency. and in the end this very thought that i should get the best and no one could be more happier than me or more better than me leads us to a bottom pit with destruction of our very SOUL , of our pure inborn innocence , of any minute drop of good left. so instead of focusing on others , lets spend more time on ourselves! lets achieve that height of inner satisfaction and that pure smile. lets pray that it will be fine in the end for everyone out there. lets make this a better place to breath in. lets stop digging this thorny pits for other people , lets focus on forgiving, and most of all lets try to be a little more honest with ourselves just so we could acknowledge our own faults , as it is the very first step in our path to betterment.

Chained

I am a slave who dwindles in darkness, i crave for the glistening light but am afraid to look for it, to fight for it, I believe in the freedom of one's soul and mind but its almost funny how i contradict my own beliefs.  I am chained to doom like its my fate. the word *try* has almost ceased to exist for me. the so called demon with in me has devoured the remains of that petty weak human with high morals . guilt escapes me now. the sufferings around, the blood splatter, the gore beings around , all these realities are of no value to me, they have no effect and i have stopped all the efforts of creating a utopia. As i am chained to my demons, i am the proud prisoner of this selfish thought now: its al right as far as it doesn't effect me.

Search for light!

Failures and shortcomings are a part of our lives. They come to us as naturally as the happy moments. So, here's a thing. DO NOT OVER REACT as these losses are capable of making a man out of us. It is our choice! It is our will that shall choose our destiny. You can become a loser if you surrender yourself to the overwhelming darkness brooding in the teary rain of your being. or you could choose the other path.the path which encourages us to look for that tiny ray of hope, that small flicker of light in a storm.  And this will lead you to success , to being whole, to being you. And than you will become immortal.

spread the word: Smile!!

Getting depressed and thinking life is a mess just because you are sensitive or someone was bad mouthing you or even if you had to face betrayals is PLAIN STUPID. Trust me, no one and i am telling you no one at all can make you cry until you want them to. So, instead of feeling wronged and cursing others we need to learn the phenomenon of ignoring . Of forgive and forget. High time to dump the stupid idea of expecting stuff from others. As they can NEVER live upto them because they have no idea about whats going on in your dorky damned head! The point is do some good, smile alot, stop pitying yourself, seriously dude, your condition is hell better than millions out there. And crying over is not gonna help. Smile and shine. Spread your radiance across the horizon. Instill  yourself with the goodness and BE THE CHANGE that you want others to have. As my friend would say LIVE and LET LIVE.

Greed for love

To all those claiming to be selfless true people out there. Greed is an inevitable part of human nature. No matter how hard we try to give. The expectation to recieve something no matter how small in return lingers on. I am the same. I do good deeds. I help others. I make them smile. I care for them. But this all i do with the greed of love. With the greed of affection. Thats how i am. My every single deed is tainted with the expectation of being loved, cared for on the same level as i do. Deep down it hurts me. Yet i dont stop myself from indulging in this vicious cycle .. pathetic as it may seem. I will rebel against this part of my human side. One day i will make you smile without any expectation . And on that day i will overcome my greed for love and will stand victorious.

from hapi mari manga

If you went for outer appearances i looked much better and cuter than her. But than there she was standing in the aisle radiating with happiness and spirituality.when i looked at her somehow i felt so worthless... and empty.

you think you are good?

I think I failed to better myself as a good person. I gossip alot. I talk behind people' s back. I call *them* a bitch when they say anything about me . And than i consider myself to be the most pitied misunderstood humble human being on planet earth. Wow

think about it

It's high time we all understand that every human came in this world with a destiny. A destiny to carry, to bear his own burdens, his own scars. It is fate . We all have to face it. Some are brave enough to hide their sorrow behind a smile while some wail and cry but nevertheless they too  bear the wounds.the point is we are all the same. Blessed and cursed at the same time. Its sheer stupidity to take pity on others, to judge them , to talk about them when you too are not at all better than them.

I must say i think alot which makes me sensitive to almost everyone and everything . And i need to jot down these stupid thoughts otherwise i go crazy. So had this idea why not share them with the world no matter how stupid they are. Result: made a blog